Saturday, 4 August 2007

IF by Janet Jackson.

................not quite (there is that q and u again).
If all the people jumped off the cliff, would you follow them........................OF COURSE YES. Kwani why are they all jumping, sii namimi nika angaliye kuna nini. So find me off the cliff

Friday, 3 August 2007


Why in the world aren't Q and U next to each other on the computer thingie mingie? Do you know any word where Q is not followed by U? QUICKLY TELL ME, QUIETLY, QUITE SOON BEFORE I QUIT.

Wednesday, 1 August 2007


I have just finished my evening rounds on the ward called BLOG. And it has come to my attention that a few people are beginning to think I can not be serious so in an effort to disprove these allegations, I am now going to be serious.

For example, right this minute I am SERIOUSLY looking for Super.

I am also SERIOUSLY thinking that betty's sagoma may be stronger than mine and yet I gave mine six "road runner" chickens- you know the ones that you can never catch when you run after them (now don't tell me I am the only one who runs after chicken!!!!)

I am also SERIOUSLY thinking that tonight I might just take my first glass of whiskey. I am told it cures many ailments. Right now, NASA are ringing me off the hook trying to learn my secret- yaani, I am launching rockets faster than drunk NASA pilots can say "guilty as charged."

I am also SERIOUSLY thinking that I can not be a housewife- couldn't go to work today- due to activities in my chest area and therefore spent a good part of today sleeping and at the same time watching day-time television- I AM A WOMAN I CAN MULTI-TASK. Why can't I be a housewife.................I would need a husband in order to accomplish that small task. No, seriously day-time telly was seriously boring.

I am SERIOUSLY thinking that the lady who served me chicken fillets at a BBQ maybe responsible for my not being 100%- yes, infact she may well be. I was psyched up for nyam chom and you failed to deliver. Now you, I need to invite to a REAL BBQ. Allow me to school you.
Please God let me feel better tomorrow. Yes, I love my sleep but I can't sleep properly when I know I should be at work. And I know how much my "customers" will be missing me but I can't sing with this voice................I am not Mahlia Jackson.

I am SERIOUSLY thinking that if I can't be at work tomorrow, I need to start drawaing up my teaching plan for Bible school for next semester. Will you shut your mouth- yes, I teach Bible school.(on Tues/Wed nights) SEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, I can be serious. Nope even them at Bible school think I am crazy.
Do you think that maybe it was coz my mum used to tell me while I was growing up (not that I have stopped), but she used to tell me to eat the head of the fish because it would make me clever. QUESTION- aren't fish like really forgetful that is why they can stay in a fish bowl/tank, coz by the time they swim from one end to the other and back again, the have forgotten they were there before and they think they are in an ocean and all those people looking in on them have drowned!!!!!!. Now how does eating the head of a fish make me clever? Mum, remind me to have this discussion with you when I get to Heaven.

And now I am SERIOUSLY thinking that I am going to leave a random question for a random blogger at the end of every post. Seriously starting now;

Betty- Kwa GP ni lini? ( and you though I had forgotten)? Remember I ate the fish, I am not the fish.

Tuesday, 31 July 2007

please leave a few..........

Please feel free to leave a few tips here on how one blog refugee can start his own blog and also leave him some nice comments too----- you know like how you like his handwritting. He is "shy" needing plenty of encouragement. No names.
He thinks he is a frog.....................Chatterly was looking for frogs legs the other day.......nikuseme????

Kwanza you, "you know yourself"(say that in your mother tongue)- did you bring the sun?

p.s. Abba Father, thank you that water is back, thank yo that it is almost business as usual. Thank you DEAR GOD FOR THE SUN TODAY. Ta, Mungu.

I went to my first summer BBQ last night. Can someone tell zungus that vitu kama pringles, celery (yuk,yuk,yuk), nachos- that is never to be seen at a BBQ.And then how do you serve me kuku fillet kwenye BBQ and cold at that atii finger snacks. If I want finger snacks sii I will eat my own finger. Cold kuku- etii Kirima ni mboga huh? haiko chomwa.

WHO is starting a BLOG? ehhh, do you want betty to help you.

Sunday, 29 July 2007

When five minutes is relative............

Yesterday I uprooted my cold-ridden body and headed for Derby for a job interview. I decided not to drive because for starters I have a love-hate relationship with the motorway.How do I say this? YES, WOMEN CAN NOT READ MAPS (so shout me!). I have been driving in England for five years now and in those five years I have been on motorway to another town MANY times.And only once in all those times have I gotten to my destination like the map said.Otherwise I end up....................places. I can't even explain how it happens, it just does. Once I was driving to Oxford from Bristol- can I just say that this journey was supposed to be straight forward....................

Okay let me just say NOW, that this how I tell directions-I will often confuse left with right.So I will say turn left when there is no left- just know I mean the other left!!! So I give directions like this, "oh London is 2 and a half hours drive away" as opposed to "take the m4 then m5"(who is m anyway?)

So I am off to Oxford, printed directions and I had even read them........... and you know how at the end the route planner says this journey will take 2 hours.......................RIGHT THERE, I JUST GOT MY DIRECTIONS. Now, I am driving and guess what I am looking at......correct the road but I have my eye on the 2 hours sharp. I see no sign marked Oxford is here. Panic sets in.........have I passed it, have I not? One way to find out........stop at the next town. Guess is NOT OXFORD. 2 HOURS YOU SAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still get to my destinations though.................the scenic route.

So yesterday I was off to Derby and there was no way I was going to chance being late for an interview because I can't read maps. ( and if at this point you are thinking, why doesn't she buy a navigator- my answer is this two pairs of shoes or a navigator?You decide. It's on my list for santa this year). Took the train. And you know what, the directions given to me by the dude who was going to interview me were simple. The place is FIVE MINUTES walk from the train station if you take the park road exit. I caught the train, found the exit and I started walking..........................FIVE MINUTES he said. Sii I look at my watch..........5 right? At exactly 5 minutes.........I am not seeing, said offices. Okay, I am not going to panic just yet. Keep walking. At exactly 9 minutes............still no said office. I panic lakini just a little. My interview is in exactly 45 minutes time. I stop to ask for directions. Question? are there any black people in Derby (there must be coz there is a Uni there and you know how black people like to study- some have more degrees than a thermometer!) Why do I ask if there are black people? Coz this dude I was asking for directions from HAD ALREADY DECIDED THAT HE COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS SAYING BEFORE I WAS DONE SAYING IT! Anyway he was no help so I walked into a hotel to get directions. Got them- keep walking straight down she said, about 5 minutes.................there is that number again. Kwani dude(interviewer) and dudette (hotelier) have different five minutes.I leg it....................another five office. PANIC, PANIC, PANIC. I can not believe I got into Derby an hour plus before my interview and I am going to be late. At this point shoes are about to be removed and I of the three types, I am about to lift the skirt and start running with the aim of getting there in good time.

A whole 20 something minutes later.........................I FOUND THE PLACE.Yes, and with time to spare as well.YES.

Interview was okay, I want to say easy.........but then again, it is for voluntary work in Mwanza. So I saved them questions like, "do you speak swahili?", "will you be needing sun tan?","culture shock" yaada yaada yaada. There was a problem however.........I was hoping to be in Mwanza for October but those places are all gone (to some wazungu who want to climb Kilimanjaro after they have pulled teeth) so I was given the option of Feb 2008 or June 2008 or October 2008. People how do I know I will be alive in October 2008? The only reason I didn't take time off work this "summer" was because I hoped I would be going away in October.It would not be a holiday but I would be on the motherland. Now I can't do that. So June next year it is for Mwanza. Can't do Feb, I will have just returned from Christmas.

So on my journey back I was "pickey,pickey, pockey father had a donkey, donkey died, mother cried, pickey, pickey, pockey" ing my way through holiday destinations for October............Barbados is looking very good and so is Greece.

Now that I am high on strepsils................let me go bond with my bed.

Two job interviews in one weekend.......................SUPER, how are you doing on the panel? I bought that phone card to call the Hague................will I be needing it?

Alaafu, super................sii you start your own blog.

Speaking of know THEY are all thinking it lakini after the demise of Kirima, I think maybe everyone is scared to ask the question lakini, I am a bit concerned about EGM, mpaka his blog is slowing down ....will he be alright.............sii you said the wait wont be long (where not long is relative huh?)...............nii Thursay hii? Part V.

Saturday, 28 July 2007


Wololo ladies kwani who and what dawa did she use? Coz it worked. As I was assembling myself to write down my reasons why Gaborone is mine, out of EXACTLY nowhere ...........I woke up with a cold. Yaani whatever dawa was used ni kalli, lakini, I may be down BUT I AM NOT OUT. Twendeni.

Now, second and foremost- I got to play fair, so mambo ya sijui podcast, picha, I can't use. Believe me when I say, you will fail to read whatever comes next ama you can droll over laptop like this and we can't be having seven grown men bila laptop.So because I care sooooooooooooooo much for you all- I am going to have to let your imagination do the walking. "They" always said, the book was better than the film. So far "they" are always right.

Thirdly, I hear a panelist was in the neighbouring areas and did NOT even think it wise to carry out live interview- shindwe!!!!!!!!! (p.s. I have now decided-If I don't get the job Super you are carrying the weight of this blame................just because)


JINA - THREETYPESOFCRAZY STOP( WHY STOP?I hear you ask........because when you see me, you can't help but....)

D.O.B - 3/3 of every year.


RESIDENCE - HOME. Lakini I am bout to move because there was a report that most accidents occur at home so..................I am moving.



I am the "rib" after EVE. God made me lakini He had reserved me for such a time as this- JUST FOR YOU. And please be warned unlike Eve, I follow instructions to a "T", so all serpents please depart, before I put my hands all over you. I am with "ADAM" on this one. Sii God made Eve to be Adam's help-mate. Excess needs help, guess who his mate is. HALA! (muna shanga shanga nini)

Am I comfortable in heels (or was it hills you were after?coz kama nii hills, the twins are cross between mt.kenya and kilimanjaro.and for those who are lost- what do you have two of that can be hills- LADIES ). Step this way please- I put Choo in Jimmy Choos, Minola reps have my number on speed dial. Yaani, heels are taken into rehab when I leave them in the shops.Imelda Marcus has never, will never, can never have anything on me.

There are things every woman must have- a good set of HER OWN TEETH, a pair of pearl earrings, BEAUTIFUL and matching underwear, well kept nails, at least one expensive handbag( and please let the phone that comes out of this handbag be one you can hold in public), well kept hair and a pair of heels (that can double as weapons should the occassion arise), did I say a clean nose too. GENTLEMEN...........................I AM EVERY WOMAN!!!!

DEAR BOSS, how do I break this to you? I do not get comfortable in varied settings.............the settings adopt to me. Ask the floods..........they only came so far. As soon as they saw my home, they stopped (please see my surname above!)


This temple of course. Oh sorry I did say I wasn't sending any pichas but I will illustrate like see Beyonce, then you see Shakira.........let me let you into a little secret (JUST BECAUSE IT'S YOU!)- they were "photocopied" from me.

What differentiates me from the rest of the competition- do I really have to answer this.

Right, I know absolutely NOTHING about this job ( and you would think that would be a bad thing- wouldn't you?).It's not. I am like clay in the potters hands- yaani you mould according to your requirements. I am flexible like that!!!!!!!!!!

This job requires alot of travelling right, well there is hardly any mileage on this temple.Imagine you were buying a new car. And then as if that was not enough- I got a few languages in east and southern africa covered.

And now I hear you ask me, why should I be chosen?And I say, "IT IS NOT WHAT EXCESS CAN DO FOR ME BUT WHAT I CAN DO FOR EXCESS!"


  1. SAINT PETER- yes, the one who holds that book at the pearly gates. Yaani that my name is in there must speak volumes. I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE.
  2. EGM- oohhh bet you didn't see that one coming. Yaani nisipo pata hii kazi, kazi kwaku. And you thought you were going to play a silent role in this.EGM lie if you have to (don't worry they can't read this part)- boy, don't make me hurt you!

Dear panelists before I let you go off and pick the PA ( a job that I am sure you very skilled gentlemen will find very easy) I leave each of you with a message- personalised just for you.

  • SUPER- let's not forget you have a case still pending in the high court (ebu read comments on your 8 facts).I would be nice to me if I were you.

  • Aegeus aka N- soft toy on it's way.

  • Bomseh - do right by those Tanzanians you have lived with.You know they would pick me.

  • 3N - I promise to find you some sheep - just in case you would like to re-live some childhood memories.

  • Kirima - I hope you are still in "best man" mode , otherwise I will tag you hehe.

  • Modo - I will plait your hair for you.

  • LAST AND DEFINITELY NOT LEAST INEXCESS.........................will you really be able to live with yourself if I become the "BEST PA YOUR NEVER HAD!" Can you take that heartache? There is no cure I will tell you that for free.

ladies bring it........................she who dares wins.( don't make me hurt you girls!!!!!!!!!)You know I love you all but it's a fine line and we are walking it.

Wednesday, 25 July 2007


Lady at work who said to me today, "oh, but I guess you must be used to experiencing things like this all the time, coming from Africa." (BTW we were talking about the floods at this point)

Lady, know this, you caught me unawares yaani, I didn't see that one coming.
And today I gave you full marks- I had to. You must be one STUPID person or VERY BRAVE to have actually thought that in your head and then proceeded to verbalise. Today you got marks for being brave. But this paper is being remarked. Kesho, we educate you. Don't forget to bring your brain and let's hope you have one. First you will have to spell AFRICA in capital letters. The FLOODS in lower case.

And sticking with work..........the one who will have his bed made for him everyday(till November) by a strange woman he has never met - yes the man who lives my life but he doesn't know it ( I was supposed to be living in hotels- I a sure a star sign somewhere must say that)., yes, the man who is JUST ABOUT TO MAKE ME HIS PA (Poleni wegine, in fact if I were you, potential applicants I would not bother applying)-ANYWAY HIM IN GABORONE (isn't that a shop for kids clothes?)

It would help if I could get to the assignment right- apparently I have to write 8 facts or is it things about how I earn my living.

  • At my "before we let you out into the world" pep talk at Uni, the professor looked at us and said and I quote,"fact, each of you will be sued at least once in your working life ".He was addressing the whole class.

  • I spend a good part, ha why lie, I spend most of my working day behind a mask and with gloves on.

  • Most people hate "people like me" just because.- I feel victimised. I don't cause pain, it is what I found in your mouth that is the source of your pain- your don't believe me. Haiya next time you need a tooth extracted go to a chiropodist and see if the results are any different.

  • Some people are SHOCKED when I write out prescriptions and referral letters coz they expect not to be able to read my writing(apparently it is a mark of the trade I am in) but ha, I write like a type -writer lakini kufanya spell check mi muvivu.

  • I have to be able to react within seconds to any medical emergency and boy, that is not easy at all.Especially when the patient feels it is none of your business to know what medication he is on .

  • I watch cartoons just so I can have something to talk about with my younger patients although most of them just want the stickers and balloons I give. NO I DO NOT AND WILL NOT GIVE SWEETS.

  • By law if there is no nurse in the room, I can't work (no, I am not being investigated for the three types of crazy)lakini sii I told you any one of my patients can sue me, so we need a witness (patient and I) that is the nurse. So if some drop dead gorgeous dude came in to have his meno checked out and I end up ACCIDENTALLY rubbing his chest and he says "sijui I touched him inappropriately" and I say I was checking heart beat.Nurse will say................................hivyo ndivyo ilivyo.

  • I have the radio/ CD on when I work and I sing along.In fact I normally tell the patients if I stop singing, that is when they should worry.Yaani, iku kitu.And yes because my name is "different"(read foreign) most of them say, we are here to see the singing.......

Kweli this enough evidence.